BDC for For Me Magazine

When was the last time you had amazing sex? Not the basic run-of-the-mill vanilla bean kind, but a good saucy, connective, intimate session that left you with more of a glow than J.Lo on Oscar night? If it’s been a while, you’re not alone.   “I love my boyfriend but he’s just not as sexual as I am and when we do hit the sheets, it’s hardly mind-blowing,” says Maria Franco 29, San Francisco, Ca. If bedtime has become more predictable than a pop song, don’t worry.  Follow our advice and soon you and your man will be singing a whole new tune.

Chill out, Chances Are You’re Normal

Your best friend dishes about her marathon sex leaving you to wonder if you’re once a week love-session is normal or downright sad. 

Libidos are unique and one size does not fit all.  This means that what’s normal for your best friend might be abnormal for you and visa versa “Normal is dictated by the frequency that makes you and your partner happy,” says Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN the award-winning author behind Please Dear, Not Tonight: The Truth about Women & Sex.   “Where the trouble lies, is when partners are mismatched in terms of their expectations and interest. If one partner thinks normal is three times a month and the other thinks it’s three times per day, that’s a set-up for problems,” she says.

Lusty Makeover! Check in with your partner to see if they are satisfied with your sex life and find out what their ideal sexual relationship would be like. If you’re both happy, don’t worry about meeting the expectations your friends may have. “Honestly, If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” says Fay. But if your libido is a bit imbalanced it might be a good idea to bring in a third party—a sex therapist. “If you two can’t agree on this seemingly small, but in reality huge issue, then the advice of an understanding expert might help get you on the right track to finding a compromise that works for you both,” she says.

Make Time To Make Out!

Your guy is raring to go but you’ve had a long day at the office and the thought of even rolling over exhausts you. Welcome to the real world.

In the movies couples are coming home and throwing one another on kitchen counters but here in the real world, just the commute from the office through that front door can suck out all of your energy. “The un-sexy fact is that life and all its craziness sometimes gets in the way and changes a routine of what once was, into one of what is no longer! Whether it’s a hectic and stressful career, new baby responsibilities, lack of sleep or the pressure of a grad school thesis, there are many things that can leave even the most sexual of athletes cutting back on their frequency,” she says.

Lusty Makeover! If scheduling sex dates is too clinical simply make time for one another and make it as much a priority as dinner with clients or friends. Have a bi-weekly date night or end the day with a walk together. Remember, romance is a lot more than hitting the sheets. “Great sex starts way before we hit the bedroom. It begins in the morning with when he gives her that extra special soft kiss he reserves only for special moments, or when she caresses his thigh gently as she hugs him goodbye on his way to work. It’s planting those little seeds that get the brain sexually ready hours before the body needs to be called into action,” says Fay.

Stop Slipping Into Something More Comfortable

You know what you like and what your partner likes so you do it again and again.  Somewhere along the path to couple-hood, you two fell into a rut.

When you’ve been with someone a long time, it’s easy to flick the switch and start riding on autopilot. Unfortunately this rout can lead to boredom, dissatisfaction and disinterest. Instead of following the same ol’ routine, spice things up a bit by taking the scenic route or taking your lover to a whole new destination.

Lusty Makeover!  Grab your partner and start your own little sexual scavenger hunt! “Ask your partner for their sexual ‘wish list’ of things they may have thought about but never carried out,” says Fay.  If you are always in the bedroom, meet him in the kitchen to cook up something hot or have sex in new and unusual places. Fay suggests making out in the back seat of the car like when you were teenagers or having a midnight roll in the sand on vacation. If the outdoors isn’t your thing, grab some body chocolate or honey flakes to add a little flavor to the bedroom. The key is keeping things fresh and finding new ways to please one another, which will not only rev up your sex life but bring you closer.

Rev-Up Your Libido

Somewhere in-between your hectic schedule and your partner’s stamina, you’ve started to view sex as a burden.

There is nothing worse than feeling obligated to perform and there is a good chance your partner feels the inevitable resentment that is sure to follow. If you’re feeling pressured it’s time to address the issue-no more excuses. Are you stressed at work or overwhelmed emotionally? Are you satisfied with your partner? ”A woman’s lack of libido may have much to do with whether or not she’s been getting real sexual satisfaction from her mate to begin with. And if she’s not, the odds are high that having sex for her is just one more thing on her ‘to do list’,” says Fay.  If this is the case, speak up!

Lusty Makeover!  Women often try to ‘do it all’ which leaves us feeling more overworked than oversexed. If stress is seeping from the boardroom into the bedroom consider seeking out a good therapist or asking your support network or even your partner for help.  If you have started viewing sex as something you ‘have’ to do remind yourself that it’s something you get to do! “Once you stop  making sex nothing but an obligation, a regular quickie, a “same old, same old” pattern of predictable behavior you may find that you both are looking forward to whatever new surprise your partner may have in store for you next!” she says. Besides, there’s nothing like a good roll in the hay to release tension.

Don’t Go Faux

You’ve read the articles, talked to friends and tried every position in the Kama Sutra and you still can’t catch a ride to O-Town. 

Faking a tan is one thing but faking ecstasy is not fair; to you or your partner. “Many women have spent years faking orgasms with their partner because they thought they should do the honorable thing and reassure their men that they are sexual conquistadors!” she says.  The truth is most women are not having orgasms. In fact, according to Fay a mere 30% of women can achieve an orgasm through intercourse alone.  So what does that mean? It’s time to be honest with him and yourself.

Lusty Makeover! Get ready for the best homework assignment ever. With a slew of vibrators, warming lotions and candles, there are many aids to help you find out what tickles your fancy.  “If you don’t know how to bring yourself to orgasm, your partner surely isn’t going to! So don’t expect him or her to read your mind!” says Fay.  If the thought of visiting a sex shop gives you the heebie geebies, log onto www.babeland.com to shop from the privacy of your own home (we highly suggest the Rabbit).  Once you find out what you like, speak up! “Don’t be embarrassed sharing your sexual needs and even physically demonstrating to your partner just how you have sex for one most individuals would rather know so that they can give their partner the best sexual satisfaction possible,” says Fay.

Give Your Sensuality a Makeover

You’re fantasizing about a romantic night and come home to a pile of laundry on the bed and him in his sweats-again.

Life is complicated which is why a perfect home and dressing up like a pin-up everyday is hardly a possibility (or something we even want to do!) However, there are ways to feel sensual and create a romantic atmosphere without having to wear a thong everyday.

Lusty Makeover!  Whether it’s giving yourself a new hairdo, treating yourself to an endorphin-releasing workout session or simply slathering on a luxuriously thick cream after you shower, taking time to treat yourself is a great way to remind yourself of your worth and attractiveness. You can also do things to get your partner in the act! Makeover your bed with high thread-count sheets and scented candles or let him know how attractive he looks when he shaves his stubble. Ask him to join you at the gym or tell him to bring home a bottle of champagne and strawberries and surprise him in lingerie for a little romantic carpet picnic.  Taking the time to appreciate your couple-hood will create an intimacy that will go far beyond the bedroom.

Fantasize

You’d love to tell him about your desire to be tied up but you’re afraid of how he will react.

Fantasies are not only a great way to ignite the fires of lovemaking but they can increase our sex drive and be used to seduce our partners all of this is contingent on a respect for one another’s privacy and boundaries. ”If both parties are willing and have trust that they can safely share their fantasies with the other, then the fun can be unending,” says Fay.

Lusty Makeover!  Just because he’s fantasizing about a threesome does not mean you need to have one if it’s not something you are interested in. “It’s important to remember that fantasies are what we live in our make-believe life and are not necessarily transferable to real life.  If your game to act out the scenes, make sure you’re both clear on what the rules of the fantasy are ahead of time,” says Fay. At no time should anyone feel pressured to do anything they are not comfortable with. “Sex should be an equal sharing and caring and never a position of power or control!” she says.

Show Some Respect!

A healthy sex life stems from a healthy relationship; one based on compassion, communication, respect and understanding. “Don’t be a participant if your relationship leaves you feeling unsafe, unhappy, unsatisfied, or unloved. If you do participate in such a situation, realize it’s simply sex and certainly not “making love,” she says.

Lusty Makeover!  “Making love is a wonderful gift we have been given as human beings, not many other species on the planet have sex outside of breeding season. Now aren’t you glad you’re human?” she asks.  Be sure you feel the connection you desire. “Great sex involves caring for the person you are with. Feeling like an equal to the person you’re with. Never feeling at risk or fearful of anything in the bedroom,” says Fay.

A Few Tips:

The peak depends on the person.  “As with anything, the younger we are, the more stamina we usually have but the truth is a guy or gal can be 50 years old and still have the libido of a 20 year old, but if their emotional connection and/or satisfaction with their bed partner is off-kilter, none of that physical prowess will matter a lick!” says Fay

Stronger Kegels, Better Sex- The Kegel muscles line the floor of the pelvis and are the same ones that control your urine stream. This means by stopping and starting your urine flow you can find them and the more you strengthen them. The best thing is that the exercises are so discrete that you can do them anywhere; the bus, at work, wherever.  Hold them for 3 seconds and release in sets of 5.

Get Into The Groove-Whether it’s a strip class at Crunch, a belly-dancing DVD or simply dancing to your favorite beats while getting dressed sashaying around not only burns calories and releases feel-good endorphins, but it brings awareness to your body and how it moves which will leave you feeling gorgeous, no matter what it’s size!