It’s happened to the best of us.

We meet for lunch, drinks or in the boardroom, sit down and stay silent as the person in front of us spits out every thought and opinion they have about the topic at hand–and several others–sometimes getting louder as each word comes out (you know, for those on the sidelines), all the while frantically rushing through any pauses to ensure there is no interruption.

They are not necessarily angry or trying to make a point, they just really enjoy the sound of their own voice and feel that by having an opinion and an ability to juggle words in the (hot) air, somehow those opinions and words become more relevant than those of anyone else. Rarely speaking with others, they often speak at them. What’s most interesting is that they often seem relieved at the end of these chaotic monologues, not really noticing that those before them are often left feeling heavy and suffocated by the exchange.

If we can even call it that.

It’s more of an episode.

It’s certainly not communication.

For most of us, the word “communication” has a positive tone, hence why the “inability” to do it tends to be seen as the core cause of personal, professional and platonic breakups.

Communication implies listening, speaking, pausing, understanding and coming to a conclusion. Doing so effectively often suggests means the participants are sorting through thoughts, ideas and feelings to work together to come to result that makes sense to the both of them and doesn’t leave one of them feeling gipped.
Let’s think about that for a minute.  What are some ways we can leave others feeling they are worse off by having spoken with us?

- Sucking the joy out of the room with negative statements.

- Exhausting others with anger.

- Treating others as an audience.

- Shaming others.

- Presenting monologues.

- Having heavy “text” exchanges.

- Invalidating their feelings.

- Stonewalling, storming out, ignoring or hanging up the phone.

- Making jokes at the expense of others.

- Name calling

- Sprinkling your sentences with harsh or otherwise vulgar words.

- Making generalized claims such as someone “always” or “never” does something.

- A lack of eye contact and attention.

-Interrupting.

Uh, oh.  Wait. I have sone some of these at one point or another.  Have you? Be honest.  Don’t be ashamed, if you have. Most of us are guilty of spilling over, showing off, talking too much and listening too little, using ineffective words, and caring more about the other person “knowing” we are right than “understanding” where they are coming from. Fortunately, most unhealthy habits can be replaced with healthier ones with a little realization and a whole lot of accountability and effort. In the spirit of building better relationships, reputations and adding something of value to a room, here are a few ways to communicate better.

Practice Good Timing: Yes, your partner always loses his keys and it’s not only annoying, it’s an issue you feel needs to be discussed. You could shame him when he calls you to explain he is locked out of the house, but that is only going to add gasoline to a fiery situation. Instead, you could deal with the situation at hand and approach him in a quieter moment when both of you are feeling a little more balanced. Approaching others in a calmer atmosphere will not only allow you to express your concerns as a partner/friend/colleague (as opposed to an angry parent) but they are more likely to hear what you are really saying. 

Let Go of “I Told You So”: Who cares if you told them so? Your telling them didn’t work and it’s a infuriating and condescending statement. Try it another way.

Present (and Reiterate) Your Intention: Lay the foundation for a calmer conversation by sharing that you are interested in having this discussion to share concerns, feelings and come to a mutually beneficial outcome. Let them know you are not judging them, but rather trying to be there for them in the best way you know how to be. If things get heated, reiterate that you respect/value/love them and are doing your best to hear and understand them while trying to be heard and understood.

Give The Benefit of The Doubt: This is where the 80/20 rule can be extremely useful. If your mostly calm and kind coworker snaps at you over printer paper and you know you have done nothing wrong, there’s a good chance they are having a bad day. If your partner is acting out-of-character, try not to forget who they are to you most of the time. Personalizing and reading into things are two one-way tickets to stress city. Clarify, ask questions and try and see the whole picture.

Try to Talk Less and Listen More: You can learn more about the other person and situation by opening your ears and closing your mouth. Also, sometimes people just need to vent and “get it out”. Let them do this and they will likely appreciate your generosity of time and understanding.

Don’t Assume: They may want your advice, they may not. Ask if there is anything you can do to help, if they want your opinion or advice, and don’t be offended if they don’t take it. Their life is not about pleasing you, it’s about seeking wisdom in different places and doing their best with what has been given to them (and what feels right).

Be Kind: Sounds obvious, but conversations turn nasty when the wrong words meet sensitive feelings.

Don’t Talk With Your Fingers: If it’s important, it deserves lip service. Pick up the phone or meet them in person to sit down and talk.

Ask Questions: If your partner says something that hurts your feelings, don’t assume they are out to hurt or harm you, stop and ask them to clarify what they meant and let them know how you are filtering their words. ” You can also ask for examples (this works well when people are making generalized statements) or even “What do you need from me right now?” More often than not, it’s to be heard, understood and valued.

Let Go Of The Need To Have a Response For Everything: My friend, Haley, said this to me once and it made a lot of sense. Having the “last word” is often more about power than it is having something meaningful to say. Saying, “You know what? Let’s take some time to think about this and reevaluate the situation in an hour or two” is going to allow you to diffuse a situation and pull out what’s really important instead of adding extra (often salty and meaningless) words into the ingredients.

Separate Feelings From Facts: Feelings should be validated (if someone feels something, they are feeling it and that’s a fact), but recognize that emotions are notoriously misleading. Anxieties, past experiences, fears, worries and even our ideas about ourselves and abilities can clog our filter. Instead of blocking and stonewalling “You’re wrong” or “That is not true”, try, “I am so sorry you are feeling that way, let me try and explain what I really meant by that.”

Try and Lighten The Mood: Laughter is the shortest distance between two people, so unless you’re dealing with a really serious situation ( 7+ on a scale of 1-10) make a joke about how ridiculous you must look yelling like a five year old or say something silly like “I know you are, what am I? How silly is this, babe?”

Remember That You’re On The Same Team: If you care enough to hash it out, care enough to work it out.

 What are your best communication tips?