Two days ago, I was sipping adult beverages with two girls and a guy at a restaurant that was both very sexy and very French when—shock– the topic of relationships came up. One of my girlfriends was having trouble understanding the crazy behavior of a man she had been dating and had started to play the old “his problems are indicative of my problems” game. Instead of accepting that maybe this guy’s weird, dismissive behavior was the by-product of his own issues, deep-seeded and otherwise, she had stayed up too long and in too often, wondering what he was up to and what was wrong with her. It’s a game I know well because I used to play it myself.
The guy laughed.
The other girl widened her eyes.
I cringed while remembering my own self-torture over several guys who didn’t call or called out something that was downright disturbing.
“This has nothing to do with you. When a woman doesn’t call back or acts out, a man asks “What’s her problem?” When men behave badly, we tend to ask ‘what’s my problem?’ That keeps you attached while letting him off the hook,” I said.
“She’s right,” said the guy.
"You misunderstood me when I said I loved you."
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am the first person to advocate the benefits of accountability, and there are times when we deserve to be dumped. Goodness knows that I have committed my fair share of dating faux-pas (and watched others do the same), but the one thing I have learned is that there are some things (disrespect, fear of intimacy, narcissism, etc.) that inspire people to behave in ways that leave our hearts and minds warped–and they have nothing at all to do with us.
But try telling that to the average woman.
We’ll do just about anything–be it analyze every last text message, make crazy excuses, or twist ourselves into a variety of shapes—in an attempt to “fix” someone or something and create a scenario where everything will go smoothly and the guy won’t go away.
We convince ourselves that he’s the only one instead of one of many or pretend that we never lived, loved, or laughed before him.
We put our words on repeat and our lives on hold while Mr. Issues goes out and lives his to the fullest all the while knowing that we’re—in the words of my friend, Haley—sitting on the shelf.
Why does it never occur to some of us that maybe he should go away? If not forever, at least until he gets his you-you-know-what together?
Maybe—just maybe—he’s—gasp!—not capable of being there for you in the way you want and deserve. Maybe you’re not waiting around and becoming a weary wreck is the only way to fix anything at all.
So, what’s the bottom line? Your life is something valuable, regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship and the more we all embrace that theory, the better relationship we will have with ourselves and the more we will protect ourselves from those who devalue all that it is we have to offer.
If someone is unable to recognize or acknowledge your beauty, brain or various talents, it doesn’t diminish them and it certainly doesn’t mean you need to ignore them on their behalf. And never—ever—convince yourself that you’re unworthy of love, respect, kindness, honesty, fidelity, compassion, empathy or a telephone call.
–Brenda Della Casa is the author of Cinderella Was a Liar and the Managing Editor of I Am Staggered, USA.
of course!!
Yes, some girls do this, no, the guys never ask the girls to do it, no, the guys never say that the girls are a root cause of their problems and issues and yet some girls insist on thinking it is that. No, the guys usually never ask the girls to demean themselves, or to bend backwards to solve issues.
When girls do it, “becoming a weary wreck” at times, some of the guys, me included, lose respect for that person. Most sensible guys want partners, not slaves and worshippers. Most level-headed guys want self-confident girls who can be a support and stand their ground and help us stand the ground as well, not girls who are ready with a mop waiting to clean up any mess we make. Just like some girls think that guys who go way out of their way to fix things are losers in life and cling on to guys who ill-treat them, it could well work the other way as well, if not to that extreme extent.
In the long run nobody wants a slave, nobody wants a scapegoat as a life-partner, nobody wants a self-demeaning person. For some guys who are really sadistic (and mind me they arent a majority, inspite of all the vehement claims from girls who always end up with the wrong guy – did it ever occur to them that it could be a selection problem?) it might be fun to have such a scapegoat for a limited period of time as a girlfriend, but I really doubt if they would want to marry into that behavior. So, yes, trying to take responsibility for everything that is wrong will perhaps, in the end, chase him away. But there is one small thing to remember, there is a VERY thin line between taking responsibility for all that goes wrong, and taking a fair share of responsibility whenever things go wrong, a thin line between trying to fix everything, and trying to fix what one should be fixing, a very thin line between letting “the guy who doesnt deserve to be there” go from your life and letting “the perfect guy” go from your life. So you can heed the advice… but dont “over heed ” it, unfortunately I have seen too many girls having bad experiences with the wrong kind of guys in the first half of their lives and then extrapolating that experience to chase away the perfect guys from their lives later on.
“If someone is unable to recognize or acknowledge your beauty, brain or various talents”. Well that is pretty black and white. Either the guy cannot see the obvious in which case, bad luck for the guy, he loses out on a very nice girl, or the girl doesnt have any of beauty, brains or various talents, all she has is a misconception about them (oh yes, I have seen a lot of those too!) in which case, good luck to the guy!
Merlin,
What a thoughtful and excellent response! Very much appreciated!
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