Brenda Della Casa
Basil & Spice (see the original column here)
He’s sitting there on the internet,” said my friend, Mary in a salty tone. She and Mike were planning to celebrate their two-year anniversary later that night at a restaurant she had chosen and Mike decided he would kill the hours in between their afternoon coffee run and pre-dinner cocktails surfing YouTube. This brought his infuriated wife to her boiling point. “I hate him sometimes,” she growled to me in a whisper. “Marriage is so not what I expected it to be.”
Ah, marriage and expectations. They merge and work together about as smoothly as oil and water.
Fairy tales and romantic comedies perpetuate the idea that “Happily Ever After” is not only possible but the expected outcome when two people meet, get to know one another and decide to build a life together. When love is “real” it is supposed to be the “end all, be all” and serve as a kind of whitewash that will polish the uglier, lonelier parts of our lives. Love can do it all. It can build a bridge and sustain us in ways nothing else can. After all, it’s all we need, right?
While Soaring divorce rates and constant conversations in which our friends make us privy to their unhappy couplings should prove to us that what we’ve been given a flawed blueprint when it comes to romance, many of us take our perceived failures personally and walk away assuming we are unlucky, unlovable or with the wrong person.
This is simply not true.
Real love, as in love in the real world, might not be roses and champagne on a daily basis but it can be fulfilling, empowering and carry a beauty all its own. What if, instead of sitting and feeling helpless in the face of fate, we stood up and faced our ideas about what being in a relationship with someone actually means? Is it possible that we are so terrified of what it would mean to accept that our relationships-like nearly everything else in our lives- are largely a result of our actions, reactions, thoughts, feelings and boundaries? This is not to say that we cannot fall victim to a deceitful spouse or that good people won’t have their heart’s trampled on without warning but our ideas about love are sure to largely impact how we handle these and all situations relating to our relationships.
For example, if you have convinced yourself that there is only one person in a world of billions who could possibly love, appreciate, respect and share a life with you, how does this impact your boundaries with someone who doesn’t treat you with the love, respect and care you deserve? Will you stay in a sour relationship out of fear that you may never find love again? If you believe that somehow having a ring on your finger determines your value and worth, how does that impact your behavior on dates or the messages you send to yourself on a daily basis? If you simply cannot believe that your life has significance regardless of your romantic status, you will inevitably rush into relationships with people who might not be suitable and/or place such high expectations on these relationships that they dissolve in record time.
Change Your Outlook, Change your Reality
How might it feel to accept that our partners, like us, are flawed and human and learning as they go along? What if we accepted that good people do lousy things and lousy things happen to good people? We tell ourselves and one another that a “Zebra never changes their stripes” but we’re not Zebra’s, we’re human and while many of us may not do the hard work of changing ourselves and our lives through self analysis and effort, there are those who learn from their mistakes and move on to become better partners and people. Some people might call these adjustments to our ideals “settling” but maybe it is just settling a little more comfortably in reality. The truth is that passionate, romantic love is not all we need to make a relationship work. There needs to be forgiveness, compromise, empathy, communication and an understanding that each and every couple is different because each is made up of two unique people who have had their own experiences, fantasies, dreams, desires and heartaches. So what can we do to enjoy the real love we have instead of comparing it to fairy tale ideals that always leave us feeling as though our relationships are “less than”?
Work on having a deep connection with yourself.
Get to know who you are as an individual and taking responsibility for your own happiness is essential to having a healthy and real relationship. Instead of spending your days throwing your partner under a magnifying glass, take some time and look at yourself. Get to know what your own strengths and weaknesses are and this will help you to be more understanding of the fact that your partner will have them too.
Save Yourself
Instead of expecting them to “save” you from your wacky family, annoying job, insecurities, fears or to hand you all of your desires on a silver platter, realize that a stable, respectful, happy, healthy relationship is created by two stable, respectful, happy, healthy people and it’s your job to bring 50% of that mix to the table.
Realize Everyone Involved Is Human
We all have insecurities, fears, needs and desires and we’re all going to make mistakes and disappoint our friends, families and partners at some point. Some mistakes may be more dire than others but no one is perfect, not even you. Cinderella Has Left The Building We may want birds to sing and butterflies to flutter every time we kiss our partner but, let’s face it, real love is complicated, stressful and downright dull at times. Put the Slipper onto the Other Foot Think about what you expect from your partner and from your relationships. Can you provide everything you are asking for 100% of the time?
“I Complete Me”
Those who don’t feel whole often seek wholeness with another and another truth is that no one will ever “complete” you. There will only be those who will “compliment” you and you will have a better chance of finding that someone when you realize that you are already” complete” just by being you.
Brenda Della Casa is the author of Cinderella Was a Liar (www.cinderellawasaliar.com) and Walking Barefoot (www.strollwithoutshoes.com)
