I know a brilliant young woman who has worked excrutiatingly hard to get not one-but two- graduate degrees, has secured a top-spot in a great firm and still finds time to be an amazing friend, daughter, wife, sister and community member but who never feels as though she’s “earned” her right to sit comfortably in her own life, knowing she’s done enough.
Like so many of us, she worries that her presentations are not good enough, that her friends are not feeling supported enough and that her work in the community is not sufficient enough. “What if (Husband/Boss/Friend/Colleague) is just being nice and I am not carrying my own weight?” she wonders.
Last night, I sat down next to a 27 year-old Ph.D student who will graduate from one of the top Psychology programs in the world in 12 months time. Dedicated to helping lower-income minority youth achieve their goals of attending a four-year university, this young woman is doing significant research and working with programs to help make a difference in the lives of others which will undoubtedly impact her community and possibly the world-at-large. When I commended her on her achievement, she looked at me with the straightest face and said, “It’s nothing.” I told her it was remarkable and she stopped me. “No, it really is nothing. Everyone in my program is my age and I am just a run-of-the-mill Ph.D student.”
I took a sip of my Cabernet and thought, “What a shame.”
Another beautiful young woman I have known for many years was recently married to a man she loved and trusted for most of her life. They started off as dear friends, fell in love and walked down the aisle. No sooner had she taken his name did he take her for a verbally abusive ride that would leave this, witty, gorgeous and highly educated woman (a lawyer who had graduated from a top law program) feeling about as worthless as a piece of chewed gum in the gutter. She finally gathered the courage to leave this man only to have her very traditional Catholic family come down on her for “giving up” and “getting divorced.” She’s only 36 but has to hear that she’s “past her prime” in so many ways from so many sources. She has done nothing wrong but walks through her days carrying baggage she never signed up for.
I share these stories with you so that when you catch yourself belittling your own achievements, questioning your worth and worthiness and taking in the crummy and flawed projections of others you will respond with the same head-shake and upset as you when you read about these amazing women.
Love Yourself.
